i am struggling. no, that's not really a strong enough word... i am failing at parenting one of my children. i cannot for the life of me figure this one out. i want desperately to find a common ground but i find that more often than not i am so frustrated that i lose it.
today was one of those days. there is no excuse for it and i am far angrier than is reasonable. this child of mine is a lazy kid much of the time and so toys are never put away, clothes are strewn on the floor, items of "great worth" are lost time and time again. this makes me so incredibly angry to be honest. it is one thing to have a room that is a mess... i'm getting better at letting messes exist for a time but when i ask for the said mess to be cleaned up i expect it to be done all the way. i find clothes shoved in the corners of the closet. i find toys hidden behind furniture. tonight it was the goggles that sent me through the roof. how hard is it to pick up your goggles at a swim meet and put them in your bag? it isn't and yet here we are minus a pair of $20 goggles.
"money does not grow on trees" is true in case you are wondering and so when you lose $20 goggles ( you might be thinking "why in the world would you pay $20 for goggles" but in swimming there is the $6 goggles that don't actually work and then the next step is the $20 ones) i get very upset but more so because i see this as a heart issue in my child and it really brings out bad stuff in me.
when other people are with my little one they just eww and awe over what a sweetheart this one is. lots of joy seems to be had when anyone is with this one. here i am feeling like an outsider looking in. i feel like i am missing out on something and just can't find it. i see the smile and hear the laughter but feel so distant. what's wrong with my heart? i am so broken to know that i can be so angry with my precious little child and that tonight my words hurt.
i was not nice to this one tonight over a pair of goggles. goggles. i tell my kids all the time that people are more important than things and yet i did not live that out today. i let money and what i think is valuable (responsibility) come before this child. i still think it was irresponsible to lose the goggles but somehow i was the one who lost what is valuable.
i want to know this child and i feel like i can't. i want to laugh and enjoy the delight that comes with this one's presence. i want to shepherd the heart and yet i am losing a relationship with this one.
"Lord, i confess tonight that i was wrong. my words were hurtful and i did nothing with love. i failed tonight and i am so sad that i can't get any of it back. i want this night to disappear and i want my child's heart and mind to forget it all. why can't i see my child through different eyes? help me see with your eyes. help me see anything through your eyes. help me to delight in this little one. help me to know how to delight in everything."