he just has heaven before we do...

seven years! i am just amazed at how quickly the time has gone by. ross said today, "it still hurts after seven years." i think to some extent i, too, am surprised at the sorrow that is still there. i guess since God created us to live eternally the sadness over death is evidence of His design.

today was a little harder than last year for me. i'm not quite sure why but it was. when i woke up this morning i began to pray for God's grace to pour out over the day. then my iphone let me know i had a text waiting. it was my sweet and very dear friend, allison. she started my day off with a sweet note remembering ollie's birthday. it means so very much to me when ollie is remembered. then throughout the day people wrote on my facebook remembering ollie. many of those people i thought had probably forgotten him.

many people over the last seven years have asked me what to do for a family who have had a child die. i say the same things every time. 1) be willing to cry with them 2) always call the child by name because a mom's biggest fear is that her child will be forgotten

tonight we celebrated ollie's little life with a family birthday party. ross even made a chocolate cake! once we put the kiddos to bed we began to look through the scrapbook i made of ollie's story.

the day he was born was a whirlwind to us. we talked tonight about how surreal it all seemed. because we weren't expecting to deliver him that evening we did not have our camera with us. ross had to run down to the gift shop to buy a disposable camera. unfortunately that means we did not get any good pictures from his time with us. oh how i am sad over that. i wish i had known about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (an organization of professional photographers who give their services to families like ours and they capture photos of the final moments or moments shortly after the death of a child for families who desire). tonight as we looked at the few pictures we have of our precious little guy i cried over not having a picture i could frame. if any of you know how to use photoshop well and want to take a crack at editing one of our pictures i would be grateful.

i did think that i would share with you my journaling from the scrapbook so you can share that day with us. so just as his little tombstone says "to God be the glory".

I would do it all again. In my 24th week of pregnancy Dr. Gore informed us that our son was suffering from Nonimmune Hydrops Fetalis. This meant that fluid was accumulating throughout his tiny body. At a follow-up appointment with a perinatalogist in Ft. Worth two weeks later we were told that Ollie was in distress and needed to be delivered by cesarean section immediately. As I lay on the operating table with tears in my eyes I told the Lord that Ollie was His gift to me and if it be His will then I would let him go. At 7:56pm, 25 minutes after he was born, Oliver Thomas met Jesus face to face. I have never felt such sadness and such peace in the same moment. Ollie stayed for only a short time but his memory in our hearts will stay for a lifetime.


Once the doctors had done all that they could do for ollie, we were able to finally hold him in our arms. His body was still warm and his fave was still pink. As we held him his little body twitched and when we asked if there was still a chance the nurse told us it was just his muscles starting to relax. the fluid that had been in him was beginning to drip from his sweet nose and mouth. Because of that Ross and I were able to do a parental chore that we never thought we would do for Ollie. We wiped his nose. I am so thankful to have been able to do that for him.


After a while of holding him we bathed him. What I do remember is leaning over and kissing his little hand. His skin was soft on my lips and his hair was strawberry blonde. His second toe was longer than the first and he had a cleft in his chin like me. He was beautiful!


The nurses at the hospital wanted to make a plaster mold of ollie's feet for us so they took him to the nursery for a short time. It was then that many of our friends came to be with us. When the nurse brought ollie back to us my friend Krissy did not walk away. She stood next to me and cried with me and touched his skin. Words cannot express what her actions meant to me that night.


When we had been told that ollie was going to be born that day we had called family immediately. My sister, Keesha, dropped everything to be by our side through whatever outcome we faced. At 11pm she walked in the doors of my hospital room and met her nephew that she had been praying for from the beginning. She held him in her arms like he was one of her own. After our friends had gone and i had been moved to a new room Keesha reminded us to take a picture of Ollie's precious feet. That is one of my most favorite pictures of him!


At 1am Ollie's skin was much cooler and his color had changed from pink to blue and we knew it was time to say goodbye. We each held him and then as the nurse came in to take him I kissed his precious fave one last time. I did not want to say goodbye but I pray that I never forget the way his skin felt on my lips in that moment.


Keesha stayed with us that night. There in that hospital room the three of us did a lot of crying and a lot of laughing! Praise God for laughter! Over the next few days Keesha took care of Henry and our home. She even helped Ross make the funeral arrangements. God sent Ross some angels during those days in the hospital and He sent me one in my sister.
His Obituary
Oliver Thomas Newman, infant son of Mandy and Ross Newman, died Tuesday, March 4, 2003. A graveside service will be at 2:30pm Saturday, March 8. Judd Rumley will officiate. Survivors include his parents; one brother, Henry Jacob Newman; grandparents, Lynda and Larry Newman and Julia and RW Ramey; and great grandparents, Claude Newman, Carol and Alan Robbins and Billie and Bill Windham. Mulkey Mason Jack Schmitz and Son Funeral Home is in charge of arrangements.

there you have it. there are many other written pieces in his scrapbook. emails i sent out when we first learned of his condition and prognosis, emails from family and friends who were praying for us and cards and letters of sympathy. this book is a treasure i am so very thankful to have and to share with those who have asked to see it. ollie's life has left a legacy farther reaching than what we thought 25 minutes would leave.

thank you, Lord for 27 weeks of carrying ollie and for the 25 minutes of life you gave him. we praise you for the work You have done and continue to do through his little life and we thank you for loving him. would you hold him in your arms until we can? to You be the glory! Amen

i would make a great ostrich...

habits that get broken can be some of the hardest to start again no matter how much we might want to.

example- i have continued to workout 4 times a week for the last 7 months but about a month and a half ago i began running on my off days. i suffered severe shin splints but pushed right on through. about 3 weeks ago i finally got a new pair of running shoes and my shins are significantly better now but i did take a break from running on off days for the last 2 weeks. today i need to run and yet i just don't want to. for no other reason than....i don't even know...broken habit.

blogging would be another one of those things that i have gotten out of the habit of doing. i miss it! i enjoy writing down some of the adventures we face or just some of the mundane details of life not so much for any person but really for me. it's like verbal scrapbooking.

here's the thing i would love to avoid facing many issues in life...for many reasons. i know struggle is exhausting mentally and emotionally and to be real honest i am mentally exhausted by just doing the laundry for six people. i also would love to live in fantasy land where everything goes smoothly and easily. (are you catching on to why i title this blog "i would make a great ostrich"?) i am out of the habit of weighing in at aquatica and being accountable to someone regarding my progress. if i don't know what the scale says then there is no measure of my failure. all of this to say that there are some areas in my heart and life that God is dealing with me. some areas that He is refining and some areas He is pruning.

as of late i have taken on a role within a group that i am involved that requires me to deal with people who have their own ideas and plans...i am a mom to four little people who still let me tell them what to do and how to do it. i have gotten out of the habit of interacting with people who don't see things eye to eye with me. this causes me stress. if you know me then you know that i tend to face conflict head on but something has happened over the last few years...i struggle with conflict. (fyi- my husband my find that as a surprise.) i don't want to cause problems. i am having to really take time to practice listening. yes- i do believe that may be the key to avoiding conflict...listening to the other person. i'll let you know how that goes.

we also are facing another adventure... we rent our home from a rental agency here and we have just learned that the homeowner has not been able to pay their mortgage. what this means is that the bank is foreclosing on this house. in about 6 weeks this house is scheduled for auction. this is such a bummer. we really love our house and feel as though it is the size we need for our family. in the very near future we will be moving most likely unless God blesses us with a miracle. pray for us to trust His sovereignty in all the details of this adventure.

in other news... daphne knocked out her other front tooth. yep that's right...she has successfully knocked out both her front teeth in 3 years. good thing she is so stinkin cute!! she doesn't need those front teeth....at least not yet. daph has her kindergarten screening set for tomorrow and she has now decided that after swim team season this summer she would like to take a break from dance and give soccer a try. i am excited that she wants to try something new and totally different but a little sad that our time with dance may be coming to a close. time and experience will tell.

ramey finally hit 20lbs! this is exciting for us all. she is really growing up into quite a newman kiddo. cute & spicy at the same time!! she adores her big sister anna. pretty much the first things she says in the mornings when i get her out of bed are "eat" and "heado anna". her language development is exploding!! i love to hear her talk. she is a whisperer meaning that when she talks she usually whispers whatever she is trying to say. it is precious! some of her other favorite words/phrases are "night night evbody", "bruder henry", "mo bible" and "hi otis".

anna continues to humble me. i do struggle with this little one and yet find deep joy in her as well. she is passionate in all things. when she laughs she means it. when she loves on you it is with all of her heart. when she feels injustice she holds nothing back. she is also a watcher of people. she will engage others once she feels comfortable but prefers to watch the action. at home...not so much- but that does stand true when we are out and about. she still loves being outside running, playing, riding bikes. i wish we had a place for a garden because i am almost positive she (and all the kids) would love to build, plant and cultivate something.

henry is growing into a fine young man. he is really fun to be around these days. i truly enjoy my time with him. he makes me laugh! he's signed up for another season of baseball and swim team is just around the corner. i continue to pray that he will become a servant leader in all that he is involved in. a couple of weeks ago his class preformed a mini play about the life of martin luther king jr. henry played the part of martin as a boy. at one point in the play martin is broken hearted because his playmates(some white boys) would no longer play with him because they were told not to by their parents. when henry was reciting his lines he was very emotional at this point and i found myself so very thankful for the heart God has given him. henry loves people. he sees them just as we all ought to...made in the image of our Creator.

i will work on getting some pictures uploaded from my camera because i know that is what you all would prefer to see instead of read my ramblings but for know this is the update from our little corner of the planet.

one more...

here i am at about a year and a half...maybe 2. if you notice my right index finger looks shiny. i had evidently i put my hand up against a hot humidifier and burned my hands. what a great smile!

retwo week...

so this week is retro week on facebook. i only have these pictures from when i was a kid. that makes me very sad because i just take such delight in looking at the pictures of our kids from over the last eight years. i am so thankful to atleast have these to share with my kids. in fact the months before ramey was born i began working on a scrapbook that was all about me. things i love, things i don't. quirks & habits. the way i met Jesus. how ross & i met. chores i do around the house and then a little something about being mom to each of the kids. i really enjoyed sharing these pictures in the album because strangely enough i think that at each age there really is a little bit of me in each of my kids. that brings me such joy. if you see them most say they look just like their daddy which i do agree with but then i see these pictures and i see me too.
me at about 4 trying our my new strawberry shortcake bicycle with banana seat i should add!

here i am at 10 months old...i think trouble might have been my parents second choice for a middle name.

here i am in kindergarten with a horrid bowl cut and velour shirt. i was so mad that morning when my mom made me where this and curl my hair under. these days this kind of hair is cool for preteen boys. i was a trend setter...what can i say!

two months old.
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this is me at 3. i love this one. wish it wasn't cut in an oval (darn early scrapbooking).

december highlights...

well another month has passed with not a thought recorded here on my blog. ugh! it would be so much more efficient if my thought process could just be uploaded to the blog whenever i felt it would be fitting.

let's see... this month has been packed with all kinds of fun. we celebrated henry's 8th birthday! wow, where have the years gone. it really does feel like only a couple of years have passed since he arrived. i can still close my eyes and be right back in that hospital room laboring with a great excitement for what was ahead. the Lord has changed me in so many ways through henry's life. i have learned my desperate need for dependence on the Lord in all things. i have learned more about dying to self. i have learned that a kind word turns away wrath. i have learned the God delights in His children! those things don't even scratch the surface of what i have learned in the last eight years. i am so blessed to be this kid's mom!! he really is the greatest boy i know.
this month also included daphne learning to ride her bicycle sans training wheels. this was somewhat of a surprise to us. one day she told us she wanted to take the training wheels off which she has tried before about a month ago but today something clicked for her! she did it. and can i just say that she is one tough cookie!! i can't tell you how many times henry would eat the pavement and justifiably cry like a baby...you remember what skinned knees feels like. not daphne. she just gets up and tries again.

thankful for so very much...

this month has been so full!! we have enjoyed so many things and had lots of fun!

at the end of october henry qualified to participate in the regional speech meet. what this means is that out of all the second graders at his school he was one of four that scored high enough to move on to basically a statewide competition. on the 13th ross and i went with him and watched our boy stand before a table of judges and a group of about 40 people. he recited psalm 1 and did FABULOUS!!! he ranked superior- which meant he was awarded a blue ribbon! we were so incredibly proud of him!!
we celebrated my 32nd birthday and ross was wonderfully amazing to me once again! he gave me a much needed new camera. back in august my camera was flooded by a kid's water bottle thrown in a bag so all i have had in the mean time was my camera phone. i am anxious to learn how to use my new camera to its fullest...so those of you with great camera skills...tell me your secrets!!! PLEASE!!!

our family, the newman portion, has grown to 17!! that's right, 17! there are tons of kids on this side of the family so for christmas ross and i decided to give a photo shoot and pictures to the family. our friend, jenna, came out and captured some great shots for us. of course not everyone looks great and kids aren't looking at the camera in some but the reality is that this is where we are in life. years from now everyone will stand still and look at the camera but for now we will enjoy this stage.

after leaving the family photo shoot ross and i made a quick change and headed back out the door to my aquatica's first annual little black dress party. this was an event we planned to celebrate some of our first goals and really just a great opportunity to dress up and party! we had so much fun and we all looked beautiful! (everyone in black is a participant and our coach is in the white shirt)
to top off the month one of my sisters and her family drove all the way here from texas to spend thanksgiving with us. we were so excited when they suggested the plan even if they could only stay for a day and a half! their family of 5 arrived late afternoon on thursday and we ate like royalty! we spent the evening laughing and enjoying one another as if we had just been together the week before. i am so thankful each time we are together because God graciously allows our families to get along and to allow no evidence of time passed or the distance in miles between us.

on friday of their trip i took keesha and eric with me to aquatica. they felt it saturday morning! once we were home we loaded up and headed to the catalinas for a hike up the panatoc trail. we had an amazing time despite the complaints of the under 5s. henry and chloe took off leading the way most of the time. i have said it before and i will say it again- henry shines out there on the mountains! when anna and lily could take no more ross & eric hiked back down with them while keesha and i caught up with the big kids. this picture cracks me up!! lily is sticking her tongue out at a cactus she just bumped into to. no harm done just hurt feelings.
they are exhausted and in need of a potty break but tried to humor me with a quick picture.
or two!

today we enjoyed a family adventure once again. ross and i took the kids to a place called karchner caverns. it was so beautiful! there were all kinds of geologic structures to see and learn about. in fact at one point as the docent was explaing how the stalactites, stalagmites, soda straws and drapery were formed i smiled as i thought about God's artistry and creativity. for the man explaining everything you could hear his excitement as he talked about the co2 and all the other components. i thought about how God reveals Himself to us in such personal ways. i began praying that the docent might meet God in that cavern.

the room we were in was called the throne room. our docent pointed out some helocites, i think that's what they were called, that were no longer doing what they were doing in another potion of the cave but rather bent over in the direction of the "throne room". whatever explanantion he gave i did not hear much of...only enough to hear something about a breeze but what i thought of was how every knee will one day bow down before the Throne. this was just God's story illustrated in a cave.
so there you have our month. lots of adventure, lots of fun!

change...

here it is mid october and the weather is still in the upper 80s here in the desert. today was extraordinarily beautiful...blue skies, a few clouds, sun shining and a warm breeze. you know the weather- cool enough to wear jeans and shirt with sleeves rolled up.

after picking up the two middle girls at school on tuesdays we only have about an hour before picking up henry. there is no point in driving all the way back to the house so we can be there for 15 minutes just to get back in the car to pick him up. (this is one of those areas that i envy you wonderful women in my life who homeschool!)

so with an hour to fill we headed over to AJs, a nice grocery store here in town, for a free cookie for the girls and an ice tea for me. i don't know if it was the fact that we were not in a hurry for a change or if it was that we had an hour but we got the cookies and tea and walked out into a beautiful half hour of just pure delight. we walked slowly and looked at all the fall decorations. we threw pennies in the water fountain and then just stood there for a few minutes. we walked into one of my favorite stores and enjoyed seeing the thanksgiving table decor that i would so love to put on my own table. nothing but a slow paced-no agenda half hour...it was good. so good! (now that i have written this i am wondering if maybe the fact that two out of three kids were in a stroller may have been a huge contributing factor to the calm as well.)

after we loaded back into the car and headed over to the school i began processing the whys of such a peaceful bit of the day. as i said before there were probably several contributing factors but one that stood out to me was the weather.

a common ice breaker question is, "what is your favorite season?". my answer to that is always fall...until someone else answers and gives their reasoning. what i realized today is that i love all the seasons (in moderation re: arizona summers) but more than the season, i love the changing of seasons. it is like a rebirth of sorts. i find that with the dawning of a new season there is hope for change in my own life. i am a sucker for school supply season and for the spring color options for kitchen aid mixers in the william-sonoma window. store shelves with scarves or winter hats and sunscreen usher in more of the same- hope for change and newness.

so there you have it- my favorite season is the changing season!

Lord, You are the Author of hope and i praise You for it! because of the cross i have hope and i thank you for letting me see that with the change of the season hope can be see there too. thank you for showing Yourself to me today in the stillness of that one half hour!