e break...

let me just confess my absolute ridiculous dependency on a certain material object. it is pathetic, i must admit.

today i had to set up a principal's coffee that the 4th grade was hosting so i had the sweet opportunity to drive my kiddos to school. we are in a carpool and i have the afternoon pick up responsibility so i don't often get to drive them in the mornings. for some reason i enjoy driving them in the mornings. maybe it is because everyone is usually still in a good mood and not feeling the weight of the day. afternoons tend to include tired bodies & minds, grumpy attitudes and/or hungry bellies. with four little people demonstrating one or more of the previously mentioned troubles- afternoon drives home can be....well, less than pleasant.

back to my story. so i dropped off the big kids and the two littles followed me in to the school library to set up this casual informational meeting/conversation with the school principal. i was actually feeling pretty good about the fact that though an item on the sign up sheet was not provided i did not cave in and make the food. i recognized that not having a food spread that looks like a southern living magazine cover was not a reflection on me nor is it a necessity. this is big for me people. i think room moms are typically the "get things done" kinda people and if others don't then i, the room mom, will. so as you can see, this is a big deal that i went in this morning knowing the food spread would not be as i would like and i was okay with it. (insert applause)

all things went well. there was plenty of food and coffee. my littles were not the silent type but we muddled through the meeting with my iphone providing intermittent entertainment. at 9:15 i had to scoot out of the meeting so that i could get to the gym for a workout class. the girls and i got in the car and off we went to the gym. on the way i reached for my phone and sure enough it was not in my purse. oh i was frustrated! but knowing that it was at the school i kept going towards the gym. for the next hour i worked hard and sweated buckets then we headed back to the school.

no one had turned in the phone. it was on silent and so when the office staff called it there was no sound. i checked the garbage can and it was not there. i called ross and asked him to track it. because we had just updated to the new operating system the night before the locator was offline. i left defeated by a 2"x5" piece of modern technology.

once in the car i began to cry. i know that sounds silly but understand that i cannot afford to run out and buy anything i might desire. i have to save. i have to wait. i have to learn delayed gratification. iphones are not cheap. here i was driving home in tears wondering what could have happened to my phone. i was frustrated that i had let the girls play with it. ross never lets them touch his phone and i have thought that was a bit extreme but now i was kicking myself for not having the same standard with my phone.

then the Holy Spirit smacked me upside the head. between my ridiculous thoughts of my "whole life is on that phone" and "all those pictures and videos" He quietly said, "is it really that important to you? where your treasure is so is your heart. do you weep over those who do not know the Father?"

it was as if the e break had just been hit. my whole self reliant, control freak worldly life is on that phone and losing it is disastrous on some level but in the big picture it has no real value even if it did cost me a small fortune. that little man-made machine in more ways than i would like to admit is a tangible representation of my depraved heart.

i rely on myself in so many ways and find that in my control freak world i am restless. there is a song on my iphone (insert little chuckle) by audrey assad that has been striking a cord in me for some time now. "i am restless. i am restless. i am restless till i rest in you. till i rest in you, oh God."

Lord, my soul finds rest in You and You alone. You are the one who has saved me. You are my rock and my salvation. You are my only fortress. I will not be shaken, oh God. Let it be in You, oh Lord, that I seek my security. Forgive me for placing such a high value on such a ridiculous material object. Thank you for pulling the e-break on my meltdown today- showing me where my treasure was. You are so good to me.

this is not a facebook status update...

sometimes i feel like facebook is for the polite platitudes and faux images of a life that has a pretty soundtrack to it. this blog tonight is definitely not that.

i am struggling. no, that's not really a strong enough word... i am failing at parenting one of my children. i cannot for the life of me figure this one out. i want desperately to find a common ground but i find that more often than not i am so frustrated that i lose it.

today was one of those days. there is no excuse for it and i am far angrier than is reasonable. this child of mine is a lazy kid much of the time and so toys are never put away, clothes are strewn on the floor, items of "great worth" are lost time and time again. this makes me so incredibly angry to be honest. it is one thing to have a room that is a mess... i'm getting better at letting messes exist for a time but when i ask for the said mess to be cleaned up i expect it to be done all the way. i find clothes shoved in the corners of the closet. i find toys hidden behind furniture. tonight it was the goggles that sent me through the roof. how hard is it to pick up your goggles at a swim meet and put them in your bag? it isn't and yet here we are minus a pair of $20 goggles.

"money does not grow on trees" is true in case you are wondering and so when you lose $20 goggles ( you might be thinking "why in the world would you pay $20 for goggles" but in swimming there is the $6 goggles that don't actually work and then the next step is the $20 ones) i get very upset but more so because i see this as a heart issue in my child and it really brings out bad stuff in me.

when other people are with my little one they just eww and awe over what a sweetheart this one is. lots of joy seems to be had when anyone is with this one. here i am feeling like an outsider looking in. i feel like i am missing out on something and just can't find it. i see the smile and hear the laughter but feel so distant. what's wrong with my heart? i am so broken to know that i can be so angry with my precious little child and that tonight my words hurt.

i was not nice to this one tonight over a pair of goggles. goggles. i tell my kids all the time that people are more important than things and yet i did not live that out today. i let money and what i think is valuable (responsibility) come before this child. i still think it was irresponsible to lose the goggles but somehow i was the one who lost what is valuable.

i want to know this child and i feel like i can't. i want to laugh and enjoy the delight that comes with this one's presence. i want to shepherd the heart and yet i am losing a relationship with this one.

"Lord, i confess tonight that i was wrong. my words were hurtful and i did nothing with love. i failed tonight and i am so sad that i can't get any of it back. i want this night to disappear and i want my child's heart and mind to forget it all. why can't i see my child through different eyes? help me see with your eyes. help me see anything through your eyes. help me to delight in this little one. help me to know how to delight in everything."

more...

Peru- March 2011

next week...

next week i am leaving for an adventure of a lifetime. i was asked last fall to pray about taking part in a mission trip with international dental ministries to peru. in december i decided to go. God has graciously provided enough donations to make it financially possible and each obstacle has fallen to the wayside without hesitation.

when i was in high school i planned to go with a youth mission organization to zimbabwe, africa on a summer mission trip. after arriving at boot camp i just couldn't hack it. to this day i am not sure what my problem was but for all the wrong reasons (fear, boyfriend at home, etc.) i quit and came home. i regret that decision. at some point in my walk with the Lord He gave me a heart for missions and for africa. i don't know in what capacity or when He may do something with that little portion of my heart but it has never changed. so here i am some 15 years or so later heading out to the highlands of peru.

in many ways i feel like i did before giving birth to my first child- it is going to be more wonderful and more challenging than i can comprehend at this point so let's just go! we will be traveling to lima and then to cuzco and from there we will travel to the rural village where we will serve the peruvian people. my role is one of assisting the dentists who will be caring for the villagers' dental needs. i will sterilize instruments, assist procedures and will also help with the food prep for our entire team. that last part sounds like it might be a big job but i feed six people daily so feeding 10 seems not too different.


while we are there we are taking a couple of days to sight see. i mean, it's not like i go to peru any ole time so we have to take in as much as we can while we can. we will ride on a train, stay in a hostel and even climb to the top of that big rock in this picture of machu picchu. i am assured that if i can hike the grand canyon then i can do this.

it is very strange to leave ross and the kids here. somehow i have a false sense of security when we are all together. leaving means not being able to control anything. this trip is forcing me out of any comfort zone i have clung to. i am not fearful or concerned for myself but i am tender for my family.

henry has been a little nervous about me going. he asked me if i would be killed for talking about Jesus. i have never been one to tell my kids, "mommy will always come home" or anything like that because nothing in this life is guaranteed. if i were to not return i would not want the last thing i say to my children to be a lie, even if it were unintentional. when henry asked this i simply responded with, "i hope not." i told him that if i were killed for telling people about Jesus then it would be a great way to go and that no matter what he would have to trust that God had not forgotten me. he then went on to ask me what would happen if my plane crashed in the water. in my head i was thinking, "wow this is a really morbid conversation." i again told him that i hoped that would not happen but if it did he would have to trust that God is good all the time. to which he replied, "all the time God is good."

it is hard to go and yet so very exciting at the same time! i know it is an adventure of a lifetime. it is an opportunity to live out what God put in my heart long ago. it is a chance to see people, in much different circumstances than i, coming to a saving knowledge of Christ. it is a chance to bring physical relief to people in pain. it is a change to see first hand what God is doing in the lives of the peruvian people. it is a chance to take part in a work that God is doing. it is a chance to see that life is not just about me or my little corner of the world.

Lord, You are greater and more mighty than i can even imagine. Your hand has stretched out further than i can fathom. You have invited me to take part in Your work and so here i am. break me. change me. mold me into the vessel You created me to be.

not quite the day i had expected...

http://www.kold.com/Global/story.asp?S=13372845

this morning the kids and i prepared for the day. henry dressed for school and recited 1 corinthians 13 which he would recite at speech meet shortly after the school day got started.

after dropping him off i found a parking space and began the lengthy process of unloading the three girls, pulling out the stroller and making sure we had the diaper bag, the snack bag and my purse. all things were accounted for and so we began heading across the parking lot to the other property where speech meet would take place.

one of henry's classmate's little sister, embry, was hanging out with daphne and anna and so we told her to ask her mom and dad if she could head over to the other side with us. with their permission we again headed toward the other building. at the edge of the school's drive i told the girls to stop so we could make sure it was safe. (this is standard protocol for us.) a car was approaching from the right and another car was coming to the exit drive across the street. the approaching car stopped in the road and waved us across but before going i looked to the driver across from us. he looked up at us and then stopped his van. with this i understood it to mean we could proceed and so we did. when we had reached half way across the street the gentleman began turning left right towards the girls and me. i had noticed his window was down before crossing street. when he began turning into us i began screaming, "stop! stop! no! no!"

embry was hit first and his front drivers wheel ran over her and then he hit our daphne who was pushed to the ground. i turned and could see daph was not pinned or seriously injured but embry was partially under the man's vehicle. without thinking, i pulled her out from under the car and the man said, "i'm sorry. i'm sorry" i just replied, "ok. could you pull over please." at this our friends, embry's parents, were there and i handed her over into her mother's arms. i went to daphne and just held on to her and asked another parent to take my two little girls in where my friend was waiting to see our big kids recite the selections for speech meet.

the shock and fear that i was experiencing rivals very little else. people began congregating around us calling 911 asking questions and praying. the prayerfulness of the people was amazing. as i stood shaking and crying i could see people stopping and praying. at one point i looked up and saw standing there in his white starched shirt, our friend, tom askew. i could see that he was praying. he was a source of strength and calm for me mentally.

fire trucks, two ambulances and a couple of sheriff's deputies arrived on the scene and began assessing the girls. it was evident that embry was more serious and so they began loading her in the ambulance. they assessed daph and determined she needed to go to the er as well to be on the safe side.

all this was happening and i was being asked a ton of questions and giving the officers all the info i had and then i look up and there across the way is the gentleman that had been driving. my heart was broken for embry and for her family and my heart was aching for my family but my heart was so broken for this man as well. he never even saw our girls. he didn't do it on purpose. this man is paralyzed from the waist down from an accident years ago and he is a grandfather. this was breaking his heart.

we went to the hospital and daph was in shock for a while. her injuries were so very minor. she has a bruise on her hip and a scrape on her elbow. our little friend was taken to a different hospital and after a long day she left the hospital with no internal injuries, no broken bones and 13 stitches to her knee. our mighty God protected our girls this morning.
i love our school family for many reasons but i found another reason this morning. in light of a very scary and serious accident the parents first response was to pray and then to comfort all involved. it was a place where i saw and i experienced grace. none of these responses were generated by these people but rather from Christ, our Cornerstone. John 13:35 says, "by this all men will know that you are my disciples- if you love one another."

please pray for the man who was driving that he might know and feel the grace of God in this traumatic experience. pray for me and ross to have an opportunity to express our love to him and his wife. pray for embry to heal physically. pray for daphne, anna, ramey and embry to heal emotionally as any fear could surface days or weeks from now. pray for me as i struggle with having been the one who was caring for e along with my own girls.

tonight, hug your babies a little tighter for we do not know what tomorrow will bring.

now these things remain: faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love.

10 things i love about you...

10. i love that when you suck your thumb you have
to hold your foot. you rub that big toe along the
edge of your lip and that is just how you roll.

9. i love how you wrap your little arms around my
neck when i hold you and you squeeze so tight
like you just don't ever want to let go.

8. i love that when asked a question you whisper your answer.
the older you get the less you do this but when
the big kids are not around you go back to your sweet little whisper.

7. i love it when i am holding you and you are
sucking your thumb- you
reach and pull my face right
up to yours as if to snuggle for a brief moment.

6. i love that you are an adventurer. too many times than i
would like to admit i have come into the kitchen only to find you
standing in the middle of the kitchen table.

5. i love that you are ALWAYS asking me "where's ____?" and "why?"
you are in a constant pursuit of learning!

4. i love that you start dancing when you hear music.

3. i love that as we drove past the gelato shop today
you began happily yelling, "ice ceam shop! ice ceam shop!"

2. i love that you seem to think taco tongue is a great way to greet others.

1. i love that God put you right here in our arms to love!